Now Playing Tracks

Gerhard:

Mir ist noch KEIN Macho-Typ begegnet, der sein GANZES Leben lang alleinegeblieben wäre…. :-/ 

Ganz im Gegentum zu MIR, eben.  :’( 

Ich habe mich mein ganzes Leben lang vergeblich um eine junge Frau bemüht gehabt. :-X  :-(

SEUFZ

Aber von einer jungen Dame weiß ich nun Folgendes:

»Eine Vermutung von mir… Halt dich fest… Ich denke, du bist zu NETT zu den Frauen! :)
Tönt extrem schräg, aber ich habe mir diesbezüglich schon sehr oft Gedanken gemacht.
Ich glaube einfach, dass die meisten Frauen keinen netten Mann wollen.. (ausser ich :D )
Warum das so ist, versteh ich auch nicht.. Aber sobald der Mann die Frau ignoriert und abweisend zu ihr wird, wird er anziehender für die Frau :O
schräg, hm!?«

SCARF-FACE GERHARD:

My BALANCE SHEET after 1 year of internet research:

Now, after one year ‘full-time’ Dating on the Internet,  & at least 1,000  women I wrote to… (and equaly many rejections), I finally could manage to get the reasonable answers I was hoping to get in vain from young ladies, a  lifetime of 37 years long. I never even could GUESS how young women judge me, how they perceive me …. or IF they even perceive me still at all. :-S I never knew MORE than that they all used to just show me their cold shoulder all the time. :-O :-(

And I always had been in fear that I would just have endeavored myself to little. After all the effort now, to the point of MY exhaustion (and with homeopathically diluted success), the medium INTERNET is exhausted to me itself, too. And the possibilities for the immature ladies, to hide, to lie and cheat and ignore cowardly are unbearably large in this world of illusion. :( I now hereby announce my return to the real world (by the end of the winter) …  from whence I came and where I find myself ultimately. ;-)

DEAR YOUNG WOMEN, LADIES, GIRLS:

I simply want to experience social contact with young women and girls for ONCE in my life. IN GENERAL, and at the request, both binding or non-binding, just as the young females may prefer it. ;-)  Is this SOOO much to ask for ? :-O  :-S  :-/  :-(

I unfortunately was NOT gifted to grow up with a sister, to have female friends in the narrower or broader understanding, to have a girl-friend or woman, …let alone to have my own daughter. :(  I have now resigned myself to the fact that I will probably NEVER have a girlfriend, wife or daughter of my own ….

But before I die, I’d sure like to get to know something YOUNG & FEMALE in my lonely life that had been overloaded with OLD LADIES from the start. (SIGH) I DON´T give up my need to at least adopt a “Soul Sister” … and to express father-like affection towards a “soul-daughter”. (Although I’ve noticed that some unconsciously erring through life fellow-men are readily lurking on me with loveless suspicions and insinuations, because they do not even understand WHAT they really want in life, themselves.) >SIGH< :-O  :-(

And I would just like to also have YOUNG female friends in the broadest sens of the word, who I can just TALK to… YES: TALK TO !

And even from occasional warm friendly hugs  I do not want to be “protected” any more ! Yes, SUCH a “bad”, “depraved” man I am !  Incredible ! :-I

Oh, how I would be content if I could simply have the certainty that ALSO something YOUNG  & FEMALE can have a a place within my life.  :)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG WOMEN & GIRLS ? :-O

If you´d just put a HUNDRETH of the energy  & only a fraction as much interest and initiative as the old mums, aunties and Omis show towards me, into the goal of an encounter with me…then I´d have had girlfriends ever since my early youth (-instead of NEVER-) , I would have been married long ago  and would yet be father of some own children. =)

I’m really stunned about what I learn gradually & step by step from you (- & awkwardly by the digital media-) what you DON´T LIKE about me:

You say, I …

-was very polite and courteous, BUT ….

-was smart, BUT …

-was attractive, BUT …

-would have sense of humor, BUT …

-would show empathy and life experience, BUT …

-would be honest, frank and candid, BUT …

BUT I’m afraid you would rather prefer any hypocritical, sex-addicted macho with a lot of money, who stumbles along through life as blindly and unconsciously as YOU do yourself ! Isn´t  it true ?  :-S  :-(

Please give ME just ONCE  a long-term opportunity to be RESPECTED, to be taken SERIOUSLY & to be ACCEPTED. OK ? :-S

And if you’re irritated because you do not UNDERSTAND something about me …

you may ask me closer any time. :) That´s why nature has indeed provided us with a mouth … instead of a wireless network ! Or ?  ;-)

Since 1995, I NEVER EVER have been engaged into a conversation by a YOUNG girl or woman ANY MORE !!!  :-O   :-(  I would like to quickly obtain a change in this. :)

GERHARD

My BALANCE SHEET after 1 year of internet research:

Now, after one year ‘full-time’ Dating on the Internet, & at least 1,000 women I wrote to… (and equaly many rejections), I finally could manage to get the reasonable answers I was hoping to get in vain from young ladies, a lifetime of 37 years long. I never even could GUESS how young women judge me, how they perceive me …. or IF they even perceive me still at all. :-S I never knew MORE than that they all used to just show me their cold shoulder all the time. :-O :-(

And I always had been in fear that I would just have endeavored myself to little. After all the effort now, to the point of MY exhaustion (and with homeopathically diluted success), the medium INTERNET is exhausted to me itself, too. And the possibilities for the immature ladies, to hide, to lie and cheat and ignore cowardly are unbearably large in this world of illusion. :( I now hereby announce my return to the real world (by the end of the winter) … from whence I came and where I find myself ultimately. ;-)

DEAR YOUNG WOMEN, LADIES, GIRLS:

I simply want to experience social contact with young women and girls for ONCE in my life. IN GENERAL, and at the request, both binding or non-binding, just as the young females may prefer it. ;-) Is this SOOO much to ask for ? :-O :-S :-/ :-(

I unfortunately was NOT gifted to grow up with a sister, to have female friends in the narrower or broader understanding, to have a girl-friend or woman, …let alone to have my own daughter. :( I have now resigned myself to the fact that I will probably NEVER have a girlfriend, wife or daughter of my own ….

But before I die, I’d sure like to get to know something YOUNG & FEMALE in my lonely life that had been overloaded with OLD LADIES from the start. (SIGH) I DON´T give up my need to at least adopt a “Soul Sister” … and to express father-like affection towards a “soul-daughter”. (Although I’ve noticed that some unconsciously erring through life fellow-men are readily lurking on me with loveless suspicions and insinuations, because they do not even understand WHAT they really want in life, themselves.) >SIGH< :-O :-(

And I would just like to also have YOUNG female friends in the broadest sens of the word, who I can just TALK to… YES: TALK TO !

And even from occasional warm friendly hugs I do not want to be “protected” any more ! Yes, SUCH a “bad”, “depraved” man I am ! Incredible ! :-I

Oh, how I would be content if I could simply have the certainty that ALSO something YOUNG & FEMALE can have a a place within my life. :)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOUNG WOMEN & GIRLS ? :-O

If you´d just put a HUNDRETH of the energy & only a fraction as much interest and initiative as the old mums, aunties and Omis show towards me, into the goal of an encounter with me…then I´d have had girlfriends ever since my early youth (-instead of NEVER-) , I would have been married long ago and would yet be father of some own children. =)

I’m really stunned about what I learn gradually & step by step from you (- & awkwardly by the digital media-) what you DON´T LIKE about me:

You say, I …

-was very polite and courteous, BUT ….

-was smart, BUT …

-was attractive, BUT …

-would have sense of humor, BUT …

-would show empathy and life experience, BUT …

-would be honest, frank and candid, BUT …

BUT I’m afraid you would rather prefer any hypocritical, sex-addicted macho with a lot of money, who stumbles along through life as blindly and unconsciously as YOU do yourself ! Isn´t it true ? :-S :-(

Please give ME just ONCE a long-term opportunity to be RESPECTED, to be taken SERIOUSLY & to be ACCEPTED. OK ? :-S

And if you’re irritated because you do not UNDERSTAND something about me …

you may ask me closer any time. :) That´s why nature has indeed provided us with a mouth … instead of a wireless network ! Or ? ;-)

Since 1995, I NEVER EVER have been engaged into a conversation by a YOUNG girl or woman ANY MORE !!! :-O :-( I would like to quickly obtain a change in this. :)

GERHARD

where ELSE you can find Info on me :

www.gravatar.com/gerhardmartin

http://gerhard-martin.blogspot.de/2012/10/gerhard-martin-38-jahre-lebenslanger.html

https://plus.google.com/113819759941112653598/posts

http://www.facebook.com/gerhard.martin2

www.gravatar.com/gerhardmartin

http://gerhard-martin.blogspot.de/2012/10/gerhard-martin-38-jahre-lebenslanger.html

https://plus.google.com/113819759941112653598/posts

http://www.myspace.com/586711740

https://new.myspace.com/gerhardmartin

http://www.wer-kennt-wen.de/neues/gerhardmartin/

http://www.wer-kennt-wen.de/neues/martingerhard

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gerhard-martin/

http://www.myspace.com/586713531

https://new.myspace.com/wahnmache-mahnwache

http://www.soundcloud.com/wahnmache-mahnwache

http://www.soundcloud.com/mahnwache-wahnmache

 ———————————————————————————————————

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/gerhard-martin

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/gerhard-martin-74

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/martin-gerhard

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/gerard-martin

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/der-unsichtbare-unfassbare

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/der-einsamste-mann-im-universum

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/der-verschmaehte-hagestolz

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/meine-wenigkeit-gerhard-martin

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/der-gewollte

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/the-invisible-overlooked-one

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/the-lonliest-man-in-the-universe

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/the-most-unattractive-man

———————————————————————————————————

http://gerhardmartin1974.wordpress.com/

http://gerhardmartin.wordpress.com/

http://martingerhard1974.wordpress.com/

http://gerardmartin74.wordpress.com/

http://derunsichtbareunfassbare.wordpress.com/

http://derverschmaehtehagestolz.wordpress.com/

http://dereinsamstemannimuniversum.wordpress.com/

http://meinewenigkeitgerhardmartin.wordpress.com/

http://thewanted1dergewollte.wordpress.com/

http://theinvisibleoverlookedone.wordpress.com/

http://thelonliestmanintheuniverse.wordpress.com/

http://themostunattractiveman.wordpress.com/


———————————————————————————————-


www.kwick.de/gerhard-martin/

www.kwick.de/martin-gerhard/

www.jappy.de/user/gerhard-martin

www.jappy.de/user/martin-gerhard

My life had been totally DEVOID of “female youth” from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :(((


Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me & looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: “What has been the reason for the failure ?”, allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das “Junge, Weibliche” immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :(((


Dank dem Mißtrauen & der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Und statt mir zu erklären, was Euch so sehr an mir stört (und ich ggf. daran ändern könnte), sagt Ihr mir nur: “Das glaube ich Dir nicht, daß Du noch NIE ne Freundin hattest. Ich vermute, Du veralberst mich!”:-O

Oder ihr fragt mich: “WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?”, obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Je n´ai eu une soeur, une amie, une femme ou une fille jamais !!! :(((

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: »Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards!« Ou vous demandez MOI : » C´etait à cause de QUOI ?«, bien que MOI, JE veux apprendre ca de VOUS.

What can I do ????? …. :-S

Ich hatte leider noch NIEMALS eine Freundin oder Frau. :-(

Wer mag mir helfen, das zu ändern ? :-)

I never ever had a girl-friend or wife in my whole life. :-(

Who wants to help me to change that ? :-)

Je n´ai eu d´amie ou femme jamais ! :-(

Qui veut m´aider à changer ca ? :-)

Please send Post to the following adress (I am NOT here in the Internet truely ;-) !):

GERHARD MARTIN , the lonliest Man in the Universe

Wanglerhof

Vogtweg 1

D-79256 Buchenbach

Germany

(Elternanschrift / Adress at Parents: Tiefenbach 34, D-87527 Sonthofen, Germany)

PLEASE WRITE ME LETTER-POST INSTEAD OF E-MAILS. I AM NOT really HERE in the internet ; I AM OUTSIDE IN THE REAL WORLD: :-D

Bitte schreibt mir Brief-Post, Leute ! Ich bin schließlich nicht “hier” im Indernetz, sondern DRAUSSEN in der Wirklichkeit. :-D

Écrivez-moi des lettres, pas d´e-mail, s´il vous plaît ! Je ne suis pas “ici” à l` internet; je suis dedans la réalitée. :-D

Raitim Leta long mi , plis. Mi no stap long “hia”, long internet. Mi stap arasait, long laip tru . :-D

(III.) LOVE AT LAST LOOK? : S

 

A request:

I feel sad, lonely, desperate, helpless, frustrated, disappointed and totally confused, …even more I ‘m scared if I’m aware of the efforts with which I try to get female attention of young ladies… but get NOTHING but rejections. :-O :-(

I need feedback, confirmation and encouragement when I turn to young women who I would like possibly… that it’s O.K. for you when I try to meet you closer.

Otherwise I do not know how I EVER can satisfy my need for female proximity and closeness … or even just once can meet nice girls for companionship. :-(

Please tell me just ONCE in my lonely life that you like to have my presence and offer to me the chance to make a closer “sniffing” possible …. and how you do feel when you’re reading THIS  …

Instead of always assuming hastily I EVER HAD a girl-friend already. :-O

 

 

EUREKA! I think I got it! :)

Maybe I have found the essential explanation NOW why my efforts towards women, which I liked, had NEVER been rewarded by the hoped-for success:

Ironically, I, who do NOT fulfill one of the popular men’s clichés *, have had a lifetime long  only trust to the “love at first sight”-recipe ??? tz-tz-tz-tz-tz !?

What did I expect to get (except skepticism, confusion, helplessness and uncertainty), if I offer to all young immature ladies, EVERYTHING but what they are USED to receive from men … what they know … and consequently expect  ? :-S

Sure, that too fast, hasty & commentless retreat & withdrawal from me (-which I know just too well of young ladies-) , maybe had been a (misread) sign to me to believe that only in the very first few seconds / minutes of a new meeting a success would be possible. :-S But if I encounter women with EXACTLY THAT attitude & belief , they will be able to feel my impatience, tenseness and anticipatory anxiety. And feelings always come in mirror image: The women then feel that way, too. The danger is unfortunately large that they do not understand to  express those emotions … and flee rather instead. :-O

And they HAVE withdrawn from me, a lonely 37-year-old life long. : (

Therefore, I find it so enormously difficult to imagine that even AFTER getting a rejection of a lady who I like, maybe there´s still basically the possibility of  a “reconciliation, understanding and forgiveness”. :-S I just had NEVER experienced  something different than pretty young ladies turning away from me … without a single word …or even complaining at me. : (

I’ ve consciously decided to learn patience, confidence and trust in long-term success (with sufficient lead time to “sniff” at each other). Expectations have influence on the result. Longer term, there are plenty of options to re-encounter, as long as one (1.) believes in this… and (2.) tries it in a relaxed manner. :-)

And THEN there will also be a chance of geting to know each other nearer ; at least it´s not completely excluded ;-) ? Right ?

… Perhaps even love at LATER view?

 

Then there still remain the KNOWN, other difficulties:

- My shyness and uncertainty caused by the enormous rejection and failure experiences in young women

- My inexperience with the feminine, because I grew up WITHOUT sister, no girlfriend or wife … and consequently had no daughter, either.

- The wordless fear of women, THAT I was a ruthless macho … AND their equally big fear that I was NOT a macho.

- The digital media-addicted autism of young ladies today. They do not even notice me when I speak DIRECTLY to them. : (

(I do not even hear: “Heeey, You’re disturbing my reception!” Of them.)

- My most fervent desire for DIRECT communication (WITHOUT media dependency)

- My honesty, openness and questioning mindful view of life

- The painful tragedy that most women (and men) confuse the physical love, “making love”  with sex … and sex with a natural need  … and I have quit to do this ,ever since I awoke from my abstinence addiction.

- OTHER very common missunderstandings about “what love is all about”…like addiction to romance ….or addiction to relationship (either to as MANY ones as possible….or to “the ONLY One” :-O  )


- The “-Self-fulfilling-Prohecy”, if I write publicly, no woman would want me

- The lack of economic appreciation for my work.

- my humble life-claims in OTHER affairs, too

 

* (Macho, womanizer, mama’s boy, swot, intellectual, Krümelkacker, full failure, “dynamic maker”, etc …)

 

And: EUREKA! No. 2:

I had another insight:

Since the moment of my procreation I miss a “life-affirming impulse”, a life-and-loving impulse, a “divine spark” …. All my past life, I never had felt “wanted” … just “tolerated”. : (

 

But this deficit I can only fill up with the beloved, lacked Things myself. And exactly THIS also explains my error, and my deterrent effect on women:

I have encontered the women who interested me, always in a such a manner that they could perceive my begging. I tried to PERSUADE the ladies to love MYSELF INSTEAD of ME loving myself. : O But actually NO woman in the world is ABLE to do this, and because of this unspoken fear , to be overburdened with such a task, they always drew back from me intuitively. : (

I now can fully understand this. ONLY I myself can learn to accept MYSELF FOR MYSELF….  to be THEN capable of love for someone else. :)

So, I try to accept me now as the “willed by myself.” :) Only if I can cope alone with me -WITHOUT a woman-, then I am ready for a love-relationship WITH a woman. :)

 



(II.) REMNANTS FROM THE PAST & SELF-FULFILLED-DIAGNOSISES:

 

Thanks to the fear, anxiety and mistrust of you ladies I had been alone all my life. :-(

And instead you´d tell me what bothers you so much about me (and what I could possibly change) you only tell me: “I do not believe, that you have NEVER had a girlfriend ! I guess you´re joking ! ” :-O Or, YOU ask ME: “WHAT was the CAUSE for the constant failure ?” even though I  hoped to get this issue finally resolved by YOU. :-(

 

And  everything began THIS way:

 

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) emotional experience of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” (spinal cord removal)

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no peaceful approximacy or being accepted :-(

 

Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts” . This would be indeed “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O


She has expressed  the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped for spinal cord removal or “fixed”. :-S :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back.

I have an image in mind:

Could some hopelessly overworked nurse no longer bear my screaming for my parents , and started to choke me out of helplessness and unawareness for needs ? :O I can only imagine that I have experienced my life depending completely to the weal and woe of a young woman, which had not responded empathically to my desperate cries. That would explain WHY I confronted pretty young women all my life, as though I would beg them to let me live. Women write to me, I seem to be “cramped” to them, so they feel overwhelmed.


 

For the following empathic words of a nice lady (after a “seemingly fruitless” Rendez-vous) I am really very grateful:

“You know, maybe you’re searching too desperate. I believe you, that you want to know love for once. But the more you try something desperately, the less it works.

It can also scare off , if a woman reads that you haven´t had any experience, that you have never had a girlfriend, but you really want it desperately. Thus, the woman is under pressure.

You are very open and honest, but maybe you should not divulge & reveal so much from you IN THE FIRST PLACE ?!

For a proper acquaintance one needs time, patience; and perhaps you expect too much at once? You are certainly very desperate when it comes to love. But you also really leave that impression, one can notice so. “

YES! This creates mutual expectations-fears, I’m sure. And love sure cannot be “forced”.

I am now trying to learn to trust and use the trust into the knowledge, that GENERALLY any woman can love ME at any time !


Then I am hopeful that I send out less signals of aloofness…and can get back more signals of proximity. It ALL depends on reciprocity.

 

4. / 5. March 2012: NEVER AGAIN “UNtouched”

My first night of love:

I have now, after 37 1/2 years of complete lonelyness, made love with a woman for the very first time. How joyful ! :-)


Previously, NOT even ONE had shown “mercy” to me. A stigma was taken away from me. :-) … But a real relationship is, unfortunately, still written in the stars … sigh.

 

And … to react to a hasty, tacit assumption :



No, I’m definitely NOT interested in other men! I am disgusted by “gay” men, who (-I´m sure-) are just irritaded about their real love-needs, and I’ve even had a harmful, personally disappointing experience with a 50-year-old gay man, which I’m still embittered about today. :( They can ignore me as much as they want, the ladies, but: NO woman had ever been acting SO disrespectingly towards ME, like THIS guy! I feel fear and disgust towards men who do not want to BE one. :O

(Here in the Internet, I have, however, also occasionally received sex-addicted offers from women, too. BUT: Not a hundredth as many as YOU might think !!! :-P And Gerhard can already distinguish between real physical love and sex ! You don´t need to worry! To “get rid of women” NEVER had been a problem to me, by the way. :-) But to make contact with young, attractive women, on the other hand, really had been an aggravation, all the more. :-O :-( It scares me when I hear that women RATHER assume, that I was a gay “Homo-Lullu”, than that they would be willing to offer me a chance to get to know them. : (


 

YOUNG women make it as hard for me as probably possible, I’m afraid. :-(

Since 1995, young ladies DO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE out there in reality. :O (And they even were at a loss for words towards me, BEFORE this.) They are  digital media addicted and autistic. They talk only with their ears and hear the voices of people who are not there. :-O But I am no longer heard by them. :(


 

Also, I am aware of irritating evidence of contradictory ways of thinking, if I get  messages here in the Internet:

 

JUDGEMENTS ONLY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, WHOARE JUDGING:


For young women, I “am”:

-Too honest and too dishonest

-Too open & too sealed

-too directly and too restraint

-Too alternatively & too conservative

-Too homophobic and gay-suspicious

-Too attractive and too unattractive

-Too eloquently and too quiet

-Too serious and too cheerful and silly

-Too shy and too briskly

-Too impetuous and too LITTLE Macho

-Too long and too short

-Too JUDGED & too less judged

I’m afraid, I do not know, how I ever could even begin to correspond to this convoluted and contradictory claims . :-S

Women probably do NOT know at all what they really want. Can it be?
:-S

AND …: Women always wish me “Good Luck & Much Success!” …and pass me over to the next, next on,… Lady :-(

 I can not stand to hear this anymore ! I´m fed up ! :( Sigh

DARE to approach at last for ONCE !!! What’s wrong with you ? :-O

 
And with the words “I like the way you write!” women make “unmistakably” clear that THIS was the last message from them that I´ll get to read.

 

And yet another inexplicable Phenomena:

Whenever I actually had a good start with talking to young ladies out in the real world (especially with serene, small, natural, blonde “bundles of joy” :-D), then the ladies soon …had departed to Cologne. :O

For whatever reason just always to THIS place. :-S I wonder now, what they would do, if I moved to Cologne myself. :-S Hmmm ???

 

I was often told, it wasn´t because of my physical appearance, if women turn away from me so much. But gradually I have SERIOUS doubts about this theory. My appearance seems to deter enormous. : O-BUH! My face is the safest “contraceptive” that exists.


(I.) CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY:



Naivety, aloofness, shyness and bachelor

I am thoroughly fed up & through with….

I am a lonely “Upper-Allgäuer”-Ian in exile” trying to escape from winter and loneliness. At the risk that no one believes me, but I am now already 37 years young and had unfortunately still NOT A SINGLE girlfriend or wife ever before. (That it is because of my physical appearance, I do not really believe, but for some unknown reason, pretty young women are always just passing by, just like I’m not there. Or are they just as uncertain as I am ? :-S ). For 21 years I had imagined a completely one-sided relationship with a (former) classmate as “my girl-fried” and now I’m glad I finally woke up and finally would like so much to catch up. I want to learn & experience what it means to give true emotional and physical love and finally get it in return. I would like to let you help me out of it. Important to me is particularly unsparing honesty and openness, so addiction to romance, to relationship and to misunderstood physical love (Sex-rubbish) may get NO breeding ground, as well as “abstinence from love”-addictions. To me it is all about the showing of vulnerability (need-based awareness, understanding & communication). I am afraid when I think back to the experienced lonely years. :O Many problems I’ve caused just myself (especially my own aloofness), but unfortunately, I am anything but an “expert on women” (although I would like to be, and always wanted to be), maybe that´s because I only grew up with two brothers. (I now  also accept more and more the question of how much the women are “experts on women” THEMSELVES or not, or to what extent they may be “experts on men” …and how much I am an “expert on men” myself ???)

What  I openly want to admit with this, is:

The behavior of women is simply a book of 7,777,777 seals for me, but I’ve learned that one usually THEN is sending out unintelligible signals or double-messages when he / she is NOT really aware of what he / she even wants to express and to achieve. I myself will therefore say more consciously: I have great fear of rejection and discouragement by women, which I like, because I’ve NEVER experienced anything different before. :O  I feel loneliness, sadness and helplessness for 37 years now, because if I get no response (s) of women (except contempt and withdrawal), then I do not know how I can fulfill my need for female solidarity and closeness. I am intimidated by discouragement and allegations very quickly, because I have truely a lot of respect for women, but maybe I do not dare to express that enough ? :-S What hurts me most of all, is when I read, that even  veritable dream-girls write to me, that they do not really believe me that I’d never had a girlfriend or wife by my side.  :O :( But the tragic irony is that NONE of them really offers interest towards me or even WANTS to have me around. At least I conclude that from their more than restrained reactions. Perhaps because they assume & imply that I would be a Macho-man, who had lots of girl-friends yet. That makes me infinitely sad. :( Women say about themselves, they want to be “CONQUERED” ; … I´m afraid I am a pacifist, not a conqueror. ;O)

If this text touches your soul, then you’ve already helped me to some extent, as far as you tell me SO,too.  :) Please dare to break the silence that is almost audible in the room. Since August 2011 I have now even embraced the first pretty young women (… which of course have all had someone as aboy-friend, as they revealled to me ).

But there´s a LOT more possible I´m sure ! :) And I want to have one or two own children! =D (Especially a daughter, something young & female for once in my life)

I wait, but not for the sake of waiting-on your request or offer. :)

Hopefully see you soon! Dare ! :) (I still did not get TOO close to a woman yet ! ;-)

I have the  love-experience of a 12 - or 13-year old Teenager. :O  I know of no kiss, no fondling, no long-term cuddling…not even an amorous look in each other´s eye. :(

I sure cannot do EVERYTHING ALL ALONE, right ??! ;-) 

GERHARD

My life had been totally DEVOID of “female youth” from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :(((


Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me & looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: “What has been the reason for the failure ?”, allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das “Junge, Weibliche” immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :(((


Dank dem Mißtrauen & der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Und statt mir zu erklären, was Euch so sehr an mir stört (und ich ggf. daran ändern könnte), sagt Ihr mir nur: “Das glaube ich Dir nicht, daß Du noch NIE ne Freundin hattest. Ich vermute, Du veralberst mich!”:-O

Oder ihr fragt mich: “WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?”, obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Je n´ai eu une soeur, une amie, une femme ou une fille jamais !!! :(((

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: »Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards!« Ou vous demandez MOI : » C´etait à cause de QUOI ?«, bien que MOI, JE veux apprendre ca de VOUS.

What can I do ????? …. :-S

Ich hatte leider noch NIEMALS eine Freundin oder Frau. :-(

Wer mag mir helfen, das zu ändern ? :-)

I never ever had a girl-friend or wife in my whole life. :-(

Who wants to help me to change that ? :-)

Je n´ai eu d´amie ou femme jamais ! :-(

Qui veut m´aider à changer ca ? :-)

Please send Post to the following adress (I am NOT here in the Internet truely ;-) !):

GERHARD MARTIN , the lonliest Man in the Universe

Wanglerhof

Vogtweg 1

D-79256 Buchenbach

Germany

(Elternanschrift / Adress of Parents: Tiefenbach 34, D-87527 Sonthofen, Germany)

PLEASE WRITE ME LETTER-POST INSTEAD OF E-MAILS. I AM NOT really HERE in the internet ; I AM OUTSIDE IN THE REAL WORLD: :-D

Bitte schreibt mir Brief-Post, Leute ! Ich bin schließlich nicht “hier” im Indernetz, sondern DRAUSSEN in der Wirklichkeit. :-D

Écrivez-moi des lettres, pas d´e-mail, s´il vous plaît ! Je ne suis pas “ici” à l` internet; je suis dedans la réalitée. :-D

Raitim Leta long mi , plis. Mi no stap long “hia”, long internet. Mi stap arasait, long laip tru . :-D

(III). LOVE AT LAST LOOK? : S

 

A request:

I feel sad, lonely, desperate, helpless, frustrated, disappointed and totally confused, …even more I ‘m scared if I’m aware of the efforts with which I try to get female attention of young ladies… but get NOTHING but rejections. :-O :-(

I need feedback, confirmation and encouragement when I turn to young women who I would like possibly… that it’s O.K. for you when I try to meet you closer.

Otherwise I do not know how I EVER can satisfy my need for female proximity and closeness … or even just once can meet nice girls for companionship. :-(

Please tell me just ONCE in my lonely life that you like to have my presence and offer to me the chance to make a closer “sniffing” possible …. and how you do feel when you’re reading THIS  …

Instead of always assuming hastily I EVER HAD a girl-friend already. :-O

 

 

EUREKA! I think I got it! :)

Maybe I have found the essential explanation NOW why my efforts towards women, which I liked, had NEVER been rewarded by the hoped-for success:

Ironically, I, who do NOT fulfill one of the popular men’s clichés *, have had a lifetime long  only trust to the “love at first sight”-recipe ??? tz-tz-tz-tz-tz !?

What did I expect to get (except skepticism, confusion, helplessness and uncertainty), if I offer to all young immature ladies, EVERYTHING but what they are USED to receive from men … what they know … and consequently expect  ? :-S

Sure, that too fast, hasty & commentless retreat & withdrawal from me (-which I know just too well of young ladies-) , maybe had been a (misread) sign to me to believe that only in the very first few seconds / minutes of a new meeting a success would be possible. :-S But if I encounter women with EXACTLY THAT attitude & belief , they will be able to feel my impatience, tenseness and anticipatory anxiety. And feelings always come in mirror image: The women then feel that way, too. The danger is unfortunately large that they do not understand to  express those emotions … and flee rather instead. :-O

And they HAVE withdrawn from me, a lonely 37-year-old life long. : (

Therefore, I find it so enormously difficult to imagine that even AFTER getting a rejection of a lady who I like, maybe there´s still basically the possibility of  a “reconciliation, understanding and forgiveness”. :-S I just had NEVER experienced  something different than pretty young ladies turning away from me … without a single word …or even complaining at me. : (

I’ ve consciously decided to learn patience, confidence and trust in long-term success (with sufficient lead time to “sniff” at each other). Expectations have influence on the result. Longer term, there are plenty of options to re-encounter, as long as one (1.) believes in this… and (2.) tries it in a relaxed manner. :-)

And THEN there will also be a chance of geting to know each other nearer ; at least it´s not completely excluded ;-) ? Right ?

… Perhaps even love at LATER view?

 

Then there still remain the KNOWN, other difficulties:

- My shyness and uncertainty caused by the enormous rejection and failure experiences in young women

- My inexperience with the feminine, because I grew up WITHOUT sister, no girlfriend or wife … and consequently had no daughter, either.

- The wordless fear of women, THAT I was a ruthless macho … AND their equally big fear that I was NOT a macho.

- The digital media-addicted autism of young ladies today. They do not even notice me when I speak DIRECTLY to them. : (

(I do not even hear: “Heeey, You’re disturbing my reception!” Of them.)

- My most fervent desire for DIRECT communication (WITHOUT media dependency)

- My honesty, openness and questioning mindful view of life

- The painful tragedy that most women (and men) confuse the physical love, “making love”  with sex … and sex with a natural need  … and I have quit to do this ,ever since I awoke from my abstinence addiction.

- OTHER very common missunderstandings about “what love is all about”…like addiction to romance ….or addiction to relationship (either to as MANY ones as possible….or to “the ONLY One” :-O  )


- The “-Self-fulfilling-Prohecy”, if I write publicly, no woman would want me

- The lack of economic appreciation for my work.

- my humble life-claims in OTHER affairs, too

 

* (Macho, womanizer, mama’s boy, swot, intellectual, Krümelkacker, full failure, “dynamic maker”, etc …)

 

And: EUREKA! No. 2:

I had another insight:

Since the moment of my procreation I miss a “life-affirming impulse”, a life-and-loving impulse, a “divine spark” …. All my past life, I never had felt “wanted” … just “tolerated”. : (

 

But this deficit I can only fill up with the beloved, lacked Things myself. And exactly THIS also explains my error, and my deterrent effect on women:

I have encontered the women who interested me, always in a such a manner that they could perceive my begging. I tried to PERSUADE the ladies to love MYSELF INSTEAD of ME loving myself. : O But actually NO woman in the world is ABLE to do this, and because of this unspoken fear , to be overburdened with such a task, they always drew back from me intuitively. : (

I now can fully understand this. ONLY I myself can learn to accept MYSELF FOR MYSELF….  to be THEN capable of love for someone else. :)

So, I try to accept me now as the “willed by myself.” :) Only if I can cope alone with me -WITHOUT a woman-, then I am ready for a love-relationship WITH a woman. :)

 



(II). REMNANTS FROM THE PAST & SELF-FULFILLED-DIAGNOSISES:

 

Thanks to the fear, anxiety and mistrust of you ladies I had been alone all my life. :-(

And instead you´d tell me what bothers you so much about me (and what I could possibly change) you only tell me: “I do not believe, that you have NEVER had a girlfriend ! I guess you´re joking ! ” :-O Or, YOU ask ME: “WHAT was the CAUSE for the constant failure ?” even though I  hoped to get this issue finally resolved by YOU. :-(

 

And  everything began THIS way:

 

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL STATION Kempten (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) emotional experience of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” (spinal cord removal)

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no peaceful approximacy or being accepted :-(

 

Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts” . This would be indeed “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O


She has expressed  the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped for spinal cord removal or “fixed”. :-S :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back.

I have an image in mind:

Could some hopelessly overworked nurse no longer bear my screaming for my parents , and started to choke me out of helplessness and unawareness for needs ? :O I can only imagine that I have experienced my life depending completely to the weal and woe of a young woman, which had not responded empathically to my desperate cries. That would explain WHY I confronted pretty young women all my life, as though I would beg them to let me live. Women write to me, I seem to be “cramped” to them, so they feel overwhelmed.


 

For the following empathic words of a nice lady (after a “seemingly fruitless” Rendez-vous) I am really very grateful:

“You know, maybe you’re searching too desperate. I believe you, that you want to know love for once. But the more you try something desperately, the less it works.

It can also scare off , if a woman reads that you haven´t had any experience, that you have never had a girlfriend, but you really want it desperately. Thus, the woman is under pressure.

You are very open and honest, but maybe you should not divulge & reveal so much from you IN THE FIRST PLACE ?!

For a proper acquaintance one needs time, patience; and perhaps you expect too much at once? You are certainly very desperate when it comes to love. But you also really leave that impression, one can notice so. “

YES! This creates mutual expectations-fears, I’m sure. And love sure cannot be “forced”.

I am now trying to learn to trust and use the trust into the knowledge, that GENERALLY any woman can love ME at any time !


Then I am hopeful that I send out less signals of aloofness…and can get back more signals of proximity. It ALL depends on reciprocity.

 

4. / 5. March 2012: NEVER AGAIN “UNtouched”

My first night of love:

I have now, after 37 1/2 years of complete lonelyness, made love with a woman for the very first time. How joyful ! :-)


Previously, NOT even ONE had shown “mercy” to me. A stigma was taken away from me. :-) … But a real relationship is, unfortunately, still written in the stars … sigh.

 

And … to react to a hasty, tacit assumption :



No, I’m definitely NOT interested in other men! I am disgusted by “gay” men, who (-I´m sure-) are just irritaded about their real love-needs, and I’ve even had a harmful, personally disappointing experience with a 50-year-old gay man, which I’m still embittered about today. :( They can ignore me as much as they want, the ladies, but: NO woman had ever been acting SO disrespectingly towards ME, like THIS guy! I feel fear and disgust towards men who do not want to BE one. :O

(Here in the Internet, I have, however, also occasionally received sex-addicted offers from women, too. BUT: Not a hundredth as many as YOU might think !!! :-P And Gerhard can already distinguish between real physical love and sex ! You don´t need to worry! To “get rid of women” NEVER had been a problem to me, by the way. :-) But to make contact with young, attractive women, on the other hand, really had been an aggravation, all the more. :-O :-( It scares me when I hear that women RATHER assume, that I was a gay “Homo-Lullu”, than that they would be willing to offer me a chance to get to know them. : (


 

YOUNG women make it as hard for me as probably possible, I’m afraid. :-(

Since 1995, young ladies DO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE out there in reality. :O (And they even were at a loss for words towards me, BEFORE this.) They are  digital media addicted and autistic. They talk only with their ears and hear the voices of people who are not there. :-O But I am no longer heard by them. :(


 

Also, I am aware of irritating evidence of contradictory ways of thinking, if I get  messages here in the Internet:

 

JUDGEMENTS ONLY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, WHOARE JUDGING:


For young women, I “am”:

-Too honest and too dishonest

-Too open & too sealed

-too directly and too restraint

-Too alternatively & too conservative

-Too homophobic and gay-suspicious

-Too attractive and too unattractive

-Too eloquently and too quiet

-Too serious and too cheerful and silly

-Too shy and too briskly

-Too impetuous and too LITTLE Macho

-Too long and too short

-Too JUDGED & too less judged

I’m afraid, I do not know, how I ever could even begin to correspond to this convoluted and contradictory claims . :-S

Women probably do NOT know at all what they really want. Can it be?
:-S

AND …: Women always wish me “Good Luck & Much Success!” …and pass me over to the next, next on,… Lady :-(

 I can not stand to hear this anymore ! I´m fed up ! :( Sigh

DARE to approach at last for ONCE !!! What’s wrong with you ? :-O

 
And with the words “I like the way you write!” women make “unmistakably” clear that THIS was the last message from them that I´ll get to read.

 

And yet another inexplicable Phenomena:

Whenever I actually had a good start with talking to young ladies out in the real world (especially with serene, small, natural, blonde “bundles of joy” :-D), then the ladies soon …had departed to Cologne. :O

For whatever reason just always to THIS place. :-S I wonder now, what they would do, if I moved to Cologne myself. :-S Hmmm ???

 

I was often told, it wasn´t because of my physical appearance, if women turn away from me so much. But gradually I have SERIOUS doubts about this theory. My appearance seems to deter enormous. : O-BUH! My face is the safest “contraceptive” that exists.


(I.) CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY:



Naivety, aloofness, shyness and bachelor

I am thoroughly fed up & through with….

I am a lonely “Upper-Allgäuer”-Ian in exile” trying to escape from winter and loneliness. At the risk that no one believes me, but I am now already 37 years young and had unfortunately still NOT A SINGLE girlfriend or wife ever before. (That it is because of my physical appearance, I do not really believe, but for some unknown reason, pretty young women are always just passing by, just like I’m not there. Or are they just as uncertain as I am ? :-S ). For 21 years I had imagined a completely one-sided relationship with a (former) classmate as “my girl-fried” and now I’m glad I finally woke up and finally would like so much to catch up. I want to learn & experience what it means to give true emotional and physical love and finally get it in return. I would like to let you help me out of it. Important to me is particularly unsparing honesty and openness, so addiction to romance, to relationship and to misunderstood physical love (Sex-rubbish) may get NO breeding ground, as well as “abstinence from love”-addictions. To me it is all about the showing of vulnerability (need-based awareness, understanding & communication). I am afraid when I think back to the experienced lonely years. :O Many problems I’ve caused just myself (especially my own aloofness), but unfortunately, I am anything but an “expert on women” (although I would like to be, and always wanted to be), maybe that´s because I only grew up with two brothers. (I now  also accept more and more the question of how much the women are “experts on women” THEMSELVES or not, or to what extent they may be “experts on men” …and how much I am an “expert on men” myself ???)

What  I openly want to admit with this, is:

The behavior of women is simply a book of 7,777,777 seals for me, but I’ve learned that one usually THEN is sending out unintelligible signals or double-messages when he / she is NOT really aware of what he / she even wants to express and to achieve. I myself will therefore say more consciously: I have great fear of rejection and discouragement by women, which I like, because I’ve NEVER experienced anything different before. :O  I feel loneliness, sadness and helplessness for 37 years now, because if I get no response (s) of women (except contempt and withdrawal), then I do not know how I can fulfill my need for female solidarity and closeness. I am intimidated by discouragement and allegations very quickly, because I have truely a lot of respect for women, but maybe I do not dare to express that enough ? :-S What hurts me most of all, is when I read, that even  veritable dream-girls write to me, that they do not really believe me that I’d never had a girlfriend or wife by my side.  :O :( But the tragic irony is that NONE of them really offers interest towards me or even WANTS to have me around. At least I conclude that from their more than restrained reactions. Perhaps because they assume & imply that I would be a Macho-man, who had lots of girl-friends yet. That makes me infinitely sad. :( Women say about themselves, they want to be “CONQUERED” ; … I´m afraid I am a pacifist, not a conqueror. ;O)

If this text touches your soul, then you’ve already helped me to some extent, as far as you tell me SO,too.  :) Please dare to break the silence that is almost audible in the room. Since August 2011 I have now even embraced the first pretty young women (… which of course have all had someone as aboy-friend, as they revealled to me ).

But there´s a LOT more possible I´m sure ! :) And I want to have one or two own children! =D (Especially a daughter, something young & female for once in my life)

I wait, but not for the sake of waiting-on your request or offer. :)

Hopefully see you soon! Dare ! :) (I still did not get TOO close to a woman yet ! ;-)

I have the  love-experience of a 12 - or 13-year old Teenager. :O  I know of no kiss, no fondling, no long-term cuddling…not even an amorous look in each other´s eye. :(

I sure cannot do EVERYTHING ALL ALONE, right ??! ;-) 

GERHARD

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union